Bring Hooters To Cole

So who knew that I’d stir such controversy by simply stating the fact that the overtly gay theme of the new “Swallows Video Lounge” would likely not appeal to a significant percentage of the Cole Neighborhood’s residents?
A commenter was so offended with my commments, that she made it clear she would boycott the Cole Neighborhood Association. Not sure why she'd get such a knee-jerk reaction from one guy stating his opinion. Jeez, folks, what do I have to do to make it clear that I don’t speak for the CNA? Heck, I haven’t been to a single meeting in over a year. Not to mention the fact that I frequently get negative comments on my blog from CNA members. I just voice my opinions here. If you don't like it, no problem, flame away and/or stop reading it. But don't try to make any sort of generalization about a group I don't even belong to.
Now this commenter, a lesbian, practiced the ole’ reverse stereotype by assuming that because I didn’t find a bar that had sexual euphemisms abound about swallowing bodily fluids my cup of tea (or other liquid) that I of course must have wanted a Hooters there instead.

Initially, this bothered me. But the more I thought about it, what would make a clearly racist, sexist, homophobic gun-toting redneck like I me feel more at home in Cole than a Hooters? Heck, I do love me some chicken wings, and I also love me some sexy thrice-divorced aspiring reality TV stars in 70’s running shorts. So, guilty as charged! I’d rather have a Hooters in Cole than Swallows. At least it’s a proven business model that will likely last longer than six months. And if anyone won’t support the local Hooters, they’re clearly heterophobes. How shallow-minded. Then I’d have to boycott the CNA, too.

It got me to thinking—What other establishments might I like to see in the old Tosh’s Hacienda/Kiva Restaurant/Club Dynasty/Blackberries Bar and Grill building? Hmmm… the possibilities are endless:

• First off, as a homophobe, I must be a hard-core bible thumper, so of course I’d like to see a Catholic church there. Nothing would help me fight off those evil homosexuals like a stack of bibles the size of Jenny’s Market. Plus pews offer a lot of pass-out space for the regulars in the neighborhood.

• How about a shooting range? Everyone knows any self-respecting gun toting Republican NRA member would like to have a shooting range in their neighborhood. They could make Wednesdays "gangsters under 12 to shoot free" night (as long as they’ve got their homework done, of course).

• A Nascar video lounge. Boy, nothing gets my blood pumping more than the smell of motor oil and putting on my old number 6 Dale Earnhardt jumpsuit to go watch Daytona 500 re-runs on The Ocho.

• A Bass Pro Shop Outlet. Of course, Cole is a utopia for outdoorsmen. Whether it’s hunting squirrels, fishing at nearby City Park Lake, or bird watching the ghetto pidgeons that crap down the side of St. Martins Plaza, no doubt outdoorsmen like me would like to see our need for blaze orange camouflage and 12 gauge shotgun shells met within staggering range of our houses. It’s such a sketchy drive all the way over to Stapleton after a 24 pack of Natural Light, let me tell you.

• Oh! Monster Trucks! Yes! By golly, that’s a winner. Now although the space in the Kiva building is expansive, I know it may be a stretch to fit an entire monster truck course in there. But I think they could do it. I was at the Pepsi Center for a Thuggets game a few weeks ago and couldn’t even imagine where they put all the dirt and sweet jumps with all those rows of seats in the way. They may have to move the aquarium, but I think it could happen.

• And finally, I think the neighborhood could benefit from a professional wrestling ring. And none of that culturally-sensitive Lucha Libre, either. I’m talking good old, heterosexual white males on steroids wearing red speedos in a choreographed mock battle to the death. Nothing would signal the new, peaceful future of Cole like two 300 pound high school drop-outs beating each other with folding chairs.

So there you have it. There are so many other establishments that the mainstream Cole residents like me would rather have in the old Kiva building than Swallows Video Lounge. Thanks must go out to MSH, the poster that got me thinking about this topic. Without her help, I think I just would have settled for a laid-back, casual, come-as-you-are neighborhood bar and restaurant.